Sandra’s Miscellany

The quote that came up for me today in my Franklin-Covey was:

Silence is one of the great arts of conversation.

and I have to agree.

I’ve recently been thinking and practicing silence when engaged in one-on-one conversations, and it’s pretty eye-opening. When I’m silent — when I’m not thinking about what I’ll say in response to whatever someone else is saying — I can hear better. The practice has been teaching me that when I’m in conversation and chatting away, I’m not truly listening. I’m not truly engaged with the other person. Instead, my busy brain is all about me, and the person sitting in front of me could, on some level, be anyone who might spark a response in my head.

I had the experience recently of sitting at lunch with a dear friend and really listening to her. I stayed “present” with her, so that my brain wasn’t off thinking about something else while she was talking. She’d finish saying something and only then would I think about it, then come up with a question about what she was saying. She’d talk more about what I asked. The silences between our words gave us both time to ruminate.

I walked away from that conversation feeling as though I’d finally learned what it was to communicate. To truly hear. Not to try to anticipate, not to try to show how insightful I was (which is a great character defect of mine), not to justify my existence by participating as a Speaker With Something To Say. It was the active listening that gave me a wonderful peace around the conversation, and I felt great affection for my friend.

Active listening is also restful. Because my brain isn’t scrambling to show off, I can remain in a passive posture — and not expend energy creating my self during the conversation.

The trick now is to continue practicing this art in all my conversations….